Trauma is definitely at the forefront of my reading and research these days. During this pandemic and horrific racism, I feel like a tidal wave of emotion is hitting me. The intense feelings are like ghosts in my body: fright, flight and freeze. As I follow and learn from experts who have a better understanding of trauma, psychology and children, my belief that spending quality time with our children is so essential is validated! Our children need our love, compassion and support! Right now, we have an opportunity to create resiliency like never before!
Often, adults do not respect the feelings of children around them and downplay what the child is going through. Please take the phrase, “Oh, you’ll be okay.” out of your vocabulary. Try instead, “You are feeling some big emotions, and that is okay.” When we brush off our children’s feelings, we are essentially saying that they do not matter. Alternately, when we acknowledge and give vocabulary for the feeling, we are also persevering their dignity. Deactivation and moving through the unpleasant emotion is much easier when there is a sense of safety.
Helping our children recognize their anger and how to express it constructively is a compassionate gift. Dr. Peter Levine gives a great way to help a child deal with overwhelming emotions. Acknowledge the big emotion. Then give the child your both hands, like a high-five. Direct their energy by asking them to push your hands while you provide a bit of resistance. Keep eye contact. The feelings are okay! A child who has strong coping skills is much less likely to mistreat others.
Think about compassion when a child’s behaviour is “negative.” The only real difference between that little one and you is vocabulary and experience. So, let’s try treating our children the way we want to be treated. Do you want to be yelled at? Do you like to be punished when you make a mistake? Instead, ask why. Why am I yelling? (I know the answer is because nobody listened the first five times they were asked…lol) Keep asking why until, as an adult, you get to the root of the problem. Asking ‘why’ can bring you to the insight you need to meet your child’s needs instead of reacting to the behaviour.
What does any of this have to do with resiliency? Dr. Jody Carrington refers to, “walking each other home.” When a child is treated with respect, their needs are met, and they truly know they are loved that child can go out into the world with confidence. As a parent, all of this takes spending quality time with your child!